my fear

i've been woke up by a phone call this morning. it was from my sister, she let me have some 'conversations' with my baby arvin... he screams, moans and cries. not so much to be called as a dialogue. but i felt happy,.. i don't know what he thinks when he listened to my voice, speaking something maybe he don't understand... as i don't understand his.

my heart felt warm, it's such a blessing that i don't get everyday : listen to the voice of my own child. the space between us is just growing bigger and bigger. as the time passes, i'm affraid that someday when we actually meet each other (again), he wouldn't recognize me. i imagined that he would run away and cry. i hate to think of those things but it's just to real and when it comes to my mind, i just can't help it.

i don't want to be a stranger to him. i really don't want to. as everybody tries to calmed me down by saying "It is the only way..". "Everything's gonna be OK", i feel sick. nothing's gonna be okay when a mother is away from her baby... nothing.